Slugs on the Refrigerator

Dear Brain

Dear Brain of Kathryn Elisabeth Goldin (aka My Brain),

I am writing to discuss a relatively recent, yet worrying, trend.  In the last few weeks, you have shown diminished, if not completely absent, capacity for

::stringing a coherent sentence

::remembering where you last put your keys/wallet/child

::speling

::remembering any appointments or dates

::cooking anything without setting off the fire alarm

::put your clothes on right side out

While, this is normally forgiveable given your hormone-laden state at 8 months pregnant, the worrying issue is what has taken over your synapses.

Laying awake at night obsessing about a seed or garter stitch hem...not ok.

Queueing patterns on Ravelry at 3am...unacceptable

Ignoring your husband's entrance into the house until you "just finish this section"...selfish and rude.

Perusing Texere and Fyberspates and drawing up a "wish list" whilst your son climbs on your lap and says, "But I am SO hungry, Mama!**"...unspeakable.

(Oh and Hand of Kathryn Elisabeth Goldin, don't think I don't see your part in this...constantly wandering around the house with the latest project in your fingers, or when hands are needed, tucking said project into the front of your shirt.  Not good.)

Now, I do realise that I was warned this might happen.  In an email conversation with Claire, you were told that knitting for a baby was what got her addicted. Obviously, that got lodged somewhere within your grey matter and began to spread like a fungus.

You need to get some priorities straight and you need to get a life...or become obsessed with something lucrative or useful, such as finding a cure for hangnails or doing the laundry.

In Hope,

Kathryn Elisabeth Goldin, Esq.

**Please note: no children were starved in the making of this blog post. 

Lessons in Forgiving Imperfection

Of all the things I have to do in a day, forgiving myself for my mistakes is the hardest.  And yet, recently I find myself more and more frequently in a position where I have no choice but to offer myself a bit of kindness.

This pregnancy has completely knocked me off my feet...literally and figuratively.  I have spent most of the last 2 weeks in bed.  Unable to move, eat, or think, Ellis has either been carted off to nursery or someone else has been watching him or...he's been sat in front of the television while I am sick.  My house has disintegrated into total disgusting mess (be glad the camera is broken and I don't have photographic evidence.  It might put you off your breakfast). Basic everyday tasks like shopping, paying bills, laundry, have all either been left by the wayside or Kev makes an attempt when he is at home.

I have been signed off of work, Kevin does all of the pick up and delivery of Ellis, and I am left in bed on my own for days on end. I have even had to cancel seeing friends. If you hadn't guessed it already, I am a busy person.  I like to have 6 or 7 projects on the go.  I like to be around people and get out and about. 

But at this point in time, I have to stop.  And as much as I don't like it, I recognize that its a good lesson for me.  I have always had these exacting standards for myself, ideas about how I should parent, how my house should look, what kind of a friend I need to be.  But, I have had to (try to) accept that I can be these things, just not all the time.  Sometimes I will be able to keep on top of it all, but right now is not one of those moments.

I don't think that this just relates to me and my current situation.  I know so many women, mothers or no, who berate themselves for the list of things they didn't or couldn't do in a day/week/lifetime. Who go over the minutiae of an interaction with someone else and analyze what they should have done differently. Spending a lot of energy worrying about perceived past transgressions, instead of living in the now and accepting that sometimes ideals have to be put aside for realism.

For today at least, I am going to try and keep in mind Anna Quindlen's quote "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." I am going to apologize to you all for the backlog in responding to comments and emails, and head upstairs with a cup of tea. In my experience, forgiveness for imperfection is often found under the covers with some knitting on a cold and wet day.