Since the boys have been sick, the house has been running up a certain kind of debt - a time debt. There is so much to do, the everyday jobs of dishes and laundry never seem to finish and then they are added to the extraordinary jobs of shelves needing built, phone calls needing made and a room needing painted, among other things.
On top of that, of course, there are the things we want to do...the knitting that stares at me from the shelf. The camera that calls to both Kevin and I. The games of football. The trips to the park. The pile of sewing. It seems everything is answered with a call of "later" or"tomorrow".
And like every other type of debt, it builds up to such a mass it feels like it can never be paid off. When tomorrow does come, it brings with it new tasks and challenges, many of which are urgent, and so the time for yesterday's work is moved once again to another tomorrow. At the end of the day, I look around the room and I think the situation is utterly hopeless.
Now, friends, family and long-time readers will know, I am not known for my tidiness. But the reality is that my home is where I spend the vast majority of time. For the next 10 months, I do not have the respite of work. My job is here and I can't help but feel a bit like a failure for having floors covered in debris and a sink full of dishes every time someone stops by for a cuppa.
And more than anything, its depressing to feel like I work and work all day long, but that nothing ever really gets done. We are no further ahead in the to do list than we were the day before. /in fact, we seem to fall further and further behind.
But of course, its all a matter of perspective. Things do get done. Pictures get taken. Trips to the park are made. Seeds are sown. They are often small acts...never usually completed, but they do happen and are precious. Maybe the solution is rather than a to do list, I need a "did do" list to count my wealth, with that ever-required side dish of forgiveness.
On yesterday's did do list:
I made cake.