Eight weeks ago, Kevin and I were walking with the kids through the park. As we walked under the big tree at the far end, our conversation turned to what we would do next with our lives.
"I can feel that there is a big change coming, something huge" I replied.
That night, I stepped out of bed and landed on a foot that didn't hurt* and I knew instantly what that change would be. I walked into the bathroom and dug to the bottom of the drawers and found what would confirm the thing I already knew.
Two lines told me in one second that...
...exclusive breastfeeding every two hours day and night...
...having extremely limited "couple time"...
...having had to give up breast feeding and trying for a year and a half for baby Georgia...
...were not contraception enough.
A new little life will be joining us in early April 2011. For anyone counting, I am due just days after Georgia's first and Ellis' fourth birthday.
I can not tell you the news was met with open arms. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of heart ache, a lot of guilt. We had to begin telling people almost instantly. I needed to see about special formula for Georgia, in case my supply dropped. We needed more help than just having two children normally neccessitates. I needed people to talk to as my focus careened to a new world view, to being a mother of three.
The responses we received have been mixed, to say the least. Congratulations are weighed equally against the "I didn't know that was possible" and "How are you going to cope?".
We have heard a lot about our "bad luck".
At first, I believed that it was bad luck. I focussed on it. No, I obsessed about it. I cried over it. I yelled it as I slammed the door.
One night, I realised I was wrong. My pregnancy isn't bad luck at all--it is a miracle. Against all of the odds and precedent, this little life was formed. As a friend wrote "This is a little soul who obviously wants very much to be part of your family." Yes indeed. And who am I to do anything but welcome him/her with open arms?
Slowly hope has built, along with the nausea and exhaustion. Its not something we were expecting, in fact the odds were essentially against us. But its here, this new life, ripping our plans to shreds and turning our world upside down.
We needed some time to get used to the topsy turviness. Now, upside down turns out to be OK. It has forced us to ask ourselves lots of questions and to look hard at where we are and what we are doing.
As I write this, we don't have the answers. I don't know when or if we will, but the fear that came with the realisation has faded. We are stepping forward into a new world as a family of five. And its a good world...and scary and full and overwhelming and exciting and exhausting and good.
Plus, I've never met a baby I didn't fall hopelessly in love with, so we'll be just fine.
* I suffer from plantar faciitis in my left foot. The only time it doesn't hurt is when my body is flooded with the pregnancy hormone relaxin.