I am not quite sure when or where I lost it, but it appears (at least temporarily) that my creative energy is on a low. These ups and downs are normal and, when I look back over the last year, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner. In fact, I am surprised I am still standing after it all.
Truth be told, I am finding everything difficult at the minute. When I was pregnant with Theo, I couldn't imagine harder work than a newborn and a 1 year old (plus a 4 year old). I can confirm that a busy (almost) 1 year old and a crazy (almost) 2 year old combined with a very spirited (almost) 5 year old is much much harder. I calculated the other day I was being yelled at for 23 hours of the day. TWENTY THREE HOURS. Yes, it was a bad day, but not that far off of normal. I spend most days counting down the moments until Kevin walks in the door. 2 hours is a long time...8 is longer.
I love my children desperately. They are hands down the best thing in my life. However, the truth is that I can't help but at times resent them. They (rightly) ask so very much of me that I end up giving far beyond my capacity to do so. Many days, it leaves me so utterly drained that I can barely speak--instead my words come out in sharp snarls and shouts. Empty and grumpy, I drop into my bed for a few hours sleep before the endless cycle of waking begins.
There are days that I have to fight every urge in my body not to pack a bag and walk away. Get on a plane. Go somewhere where the sun shines. But of course I stay. Sometimes its because I love them and I know I would be lost without them, sometimes its because I am too tired to walk to the train station.
It is against this tide that creativity must flow and it is hard. If I can't even hold a conversation, algebra for sizing or energy for making isn't there either. Work splutters along and the seasonal slow down in orders comes both as a welcome relief and a worry. There was a time that I would have worried more. That I would have thought that this was it...my life, my creativity was just this. Experience tells me otherwise. In a few weeks, this will be a memory and I will be back on the high.
But for now, I will be grateful for it being Friday: A day with an empty house and a date with a ball of yarn and a crochet hook (plus all of the cheesy movies I can handle on Netflix).
- card by Katie Daisy